Waiting for your Prince Charming
to save you from your loneliness?
Wait no more!
Hello!
Very few gay men seek out and then read articles about loneliness unless they’ve come to the realisation that they’re lonely. The stigma and shame we feel is real, and it takes a lot of courage to even engage with the subject.
I’m proud of you for opening this article. I recognise and admire your courage. Now that you’re here, let’s start getting you connected to yourself, those most important to you and to your community.
~ Phil
* * * * *
As 2020 turned into 2021, I noticed on gay Facebook groups and in comments to me in DMs on Instagram the number of comments like:
‘Here’s to 2021 and hoping that I’ll meet Mr Right.’
‘HNY. I hope to meet someone who’ll save me from my loneliness this year.’
And while you may not have shared those words on a similar gay site, you may have seen them yourself and thought them and echoed the sentiments and wished the same for yourself. And if it wasn’t for loneliness specifically, it may have been a wish for happiness or joy or companionship.
Here’s what I saw as The Loneliness Guy...
I saw many gay men – men just like you – wanting to end their loneliness by putting all their hopes on connection and joy and happiness onto another person.
I saw many men waiting to find their Prince Charming, hoping that he’ll see them, choose them and hoist them up onto the back of his noble and magical unicorn and they’d ride off into the sunset for their happily ever afters.
I saw many gay men – perhaps men just like you – who are hoping for someone to come along and to save them from their loneliness; a man to make them happy.
Truth: hoping is lovely, but it’s not an effective strategy when it comes to ending your loneliness.
How to find your Prince Charming
I’ve got a strategy if you’re still banking on hope as your winning strategy for finding Prince Charming or Mr Right.
I invite you to do this exercise.
Walk to a mirror
Close your eyes
Say aloud ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s my Prince Charming who will save me from my loneliness and make me happy?’
Wait a few moments for the mirror to search its database.
Open your eyes and see the mirror’s response.
You are your own Prince Charming
Yep, you’re your own Prince Charming.
Saddle up your unicorn and get ready to be saved.
When we put our hopes and expectations of leading a less-lonely life where we feel seen, we feel heard and we feel that we belong onto someone else, we give away all our own hopes and expectations to someone else.
I’d hope that your Prince Charming has broad shoulders; because he’ll have to carry the burden of your connection expectations.
This is an enormous responsibility and, honestly, this responsibility is a burden that few relationships can endure for very long.
Think about it: how many relationships have you had in which you've only had one or two deep conversations? Or if you could get real with another man, how long did that relationship last?
I’m going to hazard a guess and say that your relationships haven’t lasted long if you’ve done this.
Truth: your loneliness and your happiness are your responsibility. These cannot be outsourced to someone else, no matter how amazing he is.
Moving away from loneliness and feeling connected to your authentic self, those most important to you and to your communities – feeling happy – requires you to do some work in yourself first.
Why are you lonely?
Is your loneliness trying to protect you? If so, from what or from whom?
There’s a reason why so many people – including gay men – don’t dare answer those questions and pin finding the answers on someone else giving it to them.
Hoping that someone will answer those questions for you is easier than the truth that you need to do the work yourself.
Answering these questions is scary as fuck. I know. I was terrified for years to even ask the questions of myself. But, with some help, support and some courage, I did. I found some answers within myself and began to see how other people around me were also showing signs of loneliness. Now I’m here to support you through this work at The Loneliness Guy. I’ve been where you are and am continually working towards becoming more me in the world.
If even thinking about your answers to these questions has made you uncomfortable, remember that I’ve built a team of amazing coaches and human connection experts to help you make sense of your loneliness and to help you towards connection (see here).
These coaches and connection experts can be found here and can help you saddle up your unicorn and help you to feel connected. Then, even if you don’t find your Prince Charming right away, you’ll feel happy and content in yourself that the confidence gained from unashamed self-love will radiate your awesomeness into the world. You’ll be your own Prince Charming.
Join me for a coffee and a chat in the upcoming episode of my podcast for gay men ‘Connection over Coffee with The Loneliness Guy’ from Thursday 5 August 2021.
Thank you for reading this post. I hope that you’ve found it helpful.
I’m now asking for YOUR help.
Sharing my work really helps it reach more gay men and helps us all to de-stigmatise loneliness and promote authentic connection for gay men globally.
You may not feel lonely and have just the right amount of authentic connection in your life, but sharing this article could really help a friend or relative who may be quietly struggling with the thoughts and feelings of loneliness and disconnection.
Please share this post by email, a message in a chat app or by sharing my post on social media (hit a social media icon below to share).
~ Thank you ~
Important notice: All views expressed above are my own and are intended to support, challenge and inspire gay men to consider the issue of loneliness and increase awareness of the need for authentic connection with themselves, with others and their communities as an antidote to chronic loneliness. They are not intended to, nor should they, replace the advice of a licensed helping professional. Please consult the Resources page if you feel that you need the services of a licensed helping professional where you are in the world.